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What Did You Think of Where You Weren't? (Humor column)

What Did You Think of Where You Weren't? (Humor column)

I got back in my car and looked down at my phone. The little light was blinking. My phone had an urgent message it wanted to give me. I touched the icon and the message read:

“What did you think of Kroger?”

What a silly question. Anyone who knows me knows the answer. Anyone who doesn’t can tell just by the surface area of my shadow. Being as my phone is neither, I refused to answer; but, of course, I love groceries and I love grocery stores. Kroger is no exception.

Later that same day, I stopped at the BP station on Highway 44 to get gas and, as I was preparing to leave, my phone harkened me once again:

“What did you think of El Agave?”

Now I do love El Agave’s chips and salsa like Andy loves Helen Crump, but I had not been to the Mexican restaurant located next to the BP. My phone thought otherwise. It concerned me a great deal that my phone was making assumptions about me based on my proximity. This made me wonder what other incorrect assumptions the folks at Samsung were gathering about my activities and travels.

Some nights before I go to bed, I will plug my phone into the charger and it will send me a message, “Hooray, today you walked 10,732 steps!” On days when I sit in a fishing boat all day, it says nothing.  There may be nothing on the screen, but I can sense the disappointment.

When I am on the interstate and driving 70 miles per hour in a 65 zone, I am sure my phone is taking notes and saying to itself “Keep it up, Richard Petty. You just wait until I tell your insurance company about this.” Surely the same phone that lies about me being at a Mexican restaurant is going to tell State Farm I was going 98.

Back in October, I flew to Kansas City and rented a car to drive to Columbia, Missouri for the Georgia football game. Having rented the most affordable economy car available, it was all I could do to get the small car up to the speed limit. My phone sent me a message:

“You cheap bastard, you are going to get us both killed.”

The Northern Ozarks made for a beautiful drive with plenty of wide-open pastures, picturesque barns, deep rivers, and giant adult superstores along the interstate. Nothing quite paints the landscape’s portrait like a 9,000-square-foot building painted bright pink. Alexander Shunnarah billboards come close. 

I was quite shocked at the number and size of the adult mega stores the Show Me state wanted to show me. I could not help but wonder why so many?  Were there very specific items that discerning individuals sought that were not readily available in all adult stores? Why so big? From the interstate, most of these stores looked bigger than the Tallahassee airport. Are there really that many different items to purvey inside or is it a volume based store, like Sam’s, where folks are required to buy in bulk?

“Back up the truck, Marge! These inflatable dolls are on clearance and you get an extra 20 percent off if you buy 20 or more!”

The answer to these and many more questions will remain unknown for now. I did buy gas at an exit where one of those mega adults stores was located. My phone did not ask me what I thought of Passions Adult Superstore, but I am sure it was making  judgments.

Humor column written by Mark Smith Jr.